Love Letters to Go’el Kallel about The Twilight Saga: Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn.
Edited 10.8.2018. 9:00 pm. Monday. Through 10.11.2018. 9:04 pm.
Comments. I did not realize at the time I wrote this that I was also interacting with Yahweh Himself, Go’el Kallel, and The Supers. Some of My Writings Are not as accurate as I would write Them Today because of that. Yahweh and I would like to keep My Sacred Writings in tact as much as possible so you can see where I was at then.
Love Letters to Go’el Kallel about The Twilight Saga: Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn.
Edited 10.8.2018. 9:00 pm. Monday. Through 10.11.2018. 6:19 pm.
Written 9/1/2017 Friday
It’s funny to me when Yeshua and Lucifer as my students pretend like they don’t understand the math I’m teaching and ask for help. Not only do they know it, but they’ve been in every class I’ve taught. Lol.
Yeshua told me he tried to explain that to me in the book “Twilight”–immortals who are in school over and over again. Edward couldn’t read Bella the way he could the others, and she had a pull on him like no one else ever did. I think that makes Lucifer Jacob. But that’s not a really good fit for his true character really.
There are a lot of parallels. I am Bella but I’m also Jasper, Alice. Lucifer is Rosalie–sullen, jealous–and of course the bad guys.
**10.8.2018. 9:02 pm. I now see Rosalie As Myself. I see Lucifer there too.**
That makes me wonder if my daughter marries Lucifer like Bella and Edward’s daughter (is connected to) Jacob. I don’t know if you know the stories or not, but once Bella’s daughter was born and Bella was transformed, her love for Jacob was gone and transferred to her daughter.
**10.8.2018. 9:06 pm. I As Zion Am The New Bella and Renesmee. The New One Who used to be Lucifer is One of My Heaven Husbands. I Am My Own Daughter.**
Bella’s power was that she was a shield of protection and could do force fields to protect herself and others. Jasper was emotions–empath. Alice was visions.
Edited 10.8.2018. 9:12 pm. Monday.
9/2/2017 Saturday 11:39 am
I watched Twilight last night and I’m watching New Moon now. Captain America and Wonder Woman followed our story—yours and mine—almost exactly. These movies do not, and I want to make sure you know the differences.
Twilight is really more my story with Yeshua (not just you and me) starting from the time I left in March (**2017**) on, where you are Edward, but He mixed in some of Yeshua into Edward at the beginning. The timeline jumps a lot–but the overarching timeline is ours.
**10.8.2018. 9:23 pm. 10.11.2018. 6:30 pm. I see this differently now that I know that Go’el and My Heaven Husbands had In The Mind Awareness and In The Body Awareness of Me and sometimes had In The Mind Awareness and In The Body Awareness of My former husband when he was with Me. Some have had In The Mind Awareness and In The Body Awareness of Me My Whole Life. Some have had In The Mind Awareness and In The Body Awareness for the last nine years. Some received it recently. Some received it at other times. I did not know any of that when I wrote this—except for Yahweh and Yeshua. I did not even know about Go’el having it. I now see The Twilight Saga mostly as My Story with Go’el and Lucifer and The War Against Terrorism.**
You and (**my former husband**) are the only real humans portrayed in Edward. Everything else either happened with Yeshua just in my head or didn’t happen and is just part of the story to make it a little different. You of course you are the main component of Edward. I think you will recognize your parts.
Some of the rest just happened in my head with Him over the last 2-3 years–like a lot of the time Bella and Edward spend together, when she sleeps by him, and when she meets his family.
I think the meeting his family part is when Yeshua took me around the castle in Heaven and introduced me to people in a vision. That was probably two years ago? I don’t remember enough details to tell except He took me down to the kitchens. He said they were all dying to meet me. He was so excited to show me around and introduce me to everyone.
The head cook had made some brownies for me because Yeshua had told her how much I love chocolate. She spoke with a Cockney accent. Everyone was so kind and loving–excited. A lot of this I haven’t thought about in a very long time. Things were so bad in everyday life then with Lucifer that I never had time to think about those visions, reflect about them, or write about them. I know that was intentional. It seems like Yeshua is reminding me of them now.
The part at the end with the bad guy was way worse for me than they portrayed and obviously more frequent and for a longer period of time. They did hint at the deception and mind control though.
I rarely could see or observe Yeshua or His emotions when Lucifer was attacking me. I knew later that He (**Yeshua**) was always there, but He blocked me. When Lucifer attacked, I had to put all of my focus on him to react in the best way possible. Yeshua knew that me feeling His emotions would only hinder me at that crucial time.
Yeshua usually left me blocked for days afterwards. I learned it was because He didn’t want me to feel His pain. I hate it when He shuts Himself out though. It makes me sick not to feel Him. I would rather feel all His pain and suffering than to not feel Him at all–that’s torture. He has blocked me most of the summer. It’s been really hard.
In “New Moon,” the beginning does represent (**Us**). Obviously the dialog is somewhat different. But that does represent you (**As Edward**) not (**my former husband**). Even though (**my former husband’s**) personality changed overnight when Yeshua was the main (**spiritual presence in him**) and it switched to Lucifer’s, (**my former husband**) was still there physically, and it was a slow death and pulling apart over 7 years.
I don’t scream when I have nightmares and (**no one came**) in to comfort me. At all. I was on my own. (**intentionally—I did not want anyone around me at those times to do that**). The nightmares were about (**My former husband**) and Lucifer not you. I only have good dreams about you.
**10.8.2018. 9:45 pm. 10.11.2018. 6:51 pm. I see Charlie—Bella’s Dad—as Go’el Kallel. I sent Go’el these Letters—Together Apart. My Heaven Husbands Are All in Go’el. They All have In The Mind Awareness and In The Body Awareness of Go’el All the Time now—They feel like They Are with Me—As if His Body is Their Own. Those scenes represent Them knowing about the nightmares through In The Mind Awareness and/or reading The Letters and not being able to respond.**
I did not seek out anything reckless like Bella does. I think that represents everything I went through with the fallen angels–that all happened last fall (**2016**) before I left.
Yeshua removed the feeling of His closeness from me when I left in March (**2017**). I have not felt Him like that in my mind since (**I since have**). There have been hints of Him, but before it was like He was literally in the room talking with me all the time except when I was with Lucifer. During that the last 2-3 years before I left, I could actually feel Yeshua hold me all night while I slept. I haven’t felt that since I left in March (**2017**).
Mostly Yeshua talks to me through humans if I get to interact with Him at all. He has mostly blocked me. Even in my mind, if He does connect with me it is like through a fog and it is at set times–mostly not. That is what is so hard–it is like He is gone too.
The part with Jacob is really like the beginning of my (**good**) relationship with (**Lucifer**)–which very obviously is out of order (**because that happened before I left—really around January 2016 when he told me he loved me**). I want to be clear there has NOT been anyone like that this summer (**2017**).
(**In one scene, there is a representation of **) Yeshua sitting on my right and Lucifer on my left–how it almost always is (**this has changed several times since then—the left right places and Who It Is**). The left right is usually determined when we all face the same way. Lucifer is wearing my color–black. Just how he usually did wear my strongest colors—(**red and black**).
I think this is where “swipe right” came from–Yeshua on my right. (**Go’el Is on My right now**).
I want you to see the (**movies**). I think Yeshua(**, Yahweh, and Erik**) really nailed your mannerisms.
I always hated “New Moon” before–both the book and the movie–that Edward leaves Bella. I don’t anymore–because now I understand. I see why it had to be this way. I see all that I have learned through the pain of separation. I have seen the value since I wrote you that first letter.
But “Pain,” as you said, “sucks.” I stopped fighting against (**Yahweh’s**) timeline earlier this summer though. I know it only makes it worse.
Here’s a couple last thoughts about the movie….there have been other times that Yeshua (**brought up**) werewolves. I’ve even mentioned to you about the full moon nights being the worst. This movie portrays Jacob and the wolves in a good light and the vampires as bad though. Obviously in my case that was flipped around.
I was thinking that these movies were made (**for the Time Period**) before Lucifer came Home. I don’t know how much Lucifer knew about the future. As far as I know, he thought he would never (**come Home to Heaven again**). I know Yeshua and (**Yahweh**) couldn’t say anything to me about it. So Yeshua probably altered this storyline a lot so Lucifer wouldn’t pick up on it–or at least so Lucifer would know I wouldn’t make the connection. Wonder Woman was released after (**Lucifer came Home to Heaven**).
Also, during those 7 (**bad**) years, (**neither Lucifer nor my former husband**) begged me to stay. (**They**) never even asked me to stay. (**My former husband**) wanted a divorce on and off for those 7 years. I begged him to stay for years. Then I stopped because I realized begging him to stay only resulted in him feeling more resentful and trapped. So the way Jacob and Bella relate affectionately is not at all like (**like my former husband**) and I did.
(**My former husband did write me two messages asking me to “come home” in a nice way after I left. I did not**).
Bella begs to become a vampire like I have begged Yeshua to bring me home (**to Heaven**) with Him. At the end of “New Moon,” He says He will do it–in 3 years. The same as my prophesy in Revelation 12–1,260 days–about 3 and a half years. At first I thought that started from my Exodus in March. That fits with the movie–3 years from now.
Now I’m not so sure. What I wrote about the eclipse makes it sounds like it starts now. However, Yeshua is showing me that time is relative and I’ve gone from (**being like**) a baby (**born when I left March 8, 2017**) to (**being like**) a little girl to (**being like in**) high school to a (**being like a**) freshman (**in college or at a university**). Because I go to church at (**somewhere**) on MWF (**Monday Wednesday Friday**), I said this week it seems like I have 4 weeks in one because I get to go to church 4 times a week now. That would make 1 week be a month. So who knows how long!! Such a riddle.
I’m ready now. So whenever He comes–so be it–I’m ready.
**The Timeline is so messed up now, I have no idea when Yeshua (Jesus) Is Coming again or even if He still will arrive that way because We changed the Ending. In many ways, He Is already here. I don’t know how it will be. I do know it won’t be long before we are all in Heaven or other places. Even though I still call this Earth, Yahweh said we are all outside of Earth now—someplace between Heaven and Earth. Some are in Heaven
already. Yahweh said none of us are really human anymore. I don’t think we should be upset about that part or worry about it at all. I see it as a being freed from human restrictions. Yahweh has Us in these intermediate places so We can heal. Go’el and the Other Supers outside of Heaven may know more about that than Me.**
9/3/2017 Sunday 4:19 pm Eclipse.
Stories of the werewolves
Only Fire can destroy them
Vampires mate forever
The wife of a wolf stabbed herself–sacrificed herself so her husband could kill the evil vampire
Newborns are strongest
Had to rebreak bones so they could be reset to heal properly.
I just watched “Eclipse.” Oh (**Go’el**). It was so much harder to watch than “New Moon.” So much pain. That surprised me very much. There are bits of you, (**Go’el**), but mostly this was Yeshua, Lucifer, and me right before Lucifer was saved and right after. And the newborn army was the fallen angels.
I thought I had processed through and dealt with all of the pain and emotions. Well (**Yahweh**) just showed me that I did that for (**my former husband**)–not Lucifer. That confused me because I forgave Lucifer over a year ago–long before I forgave (**my former husband**). It sounds very strange to say I forgave the Devil but struggled forgiving a human–even to me–even then.
But I understood Lucifer’s story. Lucifer had been alone for all of time. I didn’t understand (**my former husband**) until recently when (**Yahweh**) finally showed me all of the pieces. All I could see with (**my former husband**) was that he had always been fully loved and supported by me, and it was never enough. And (**my former husband**) was unrepentant. He didn’t want to change. Lucifer did.
The last of (**my former husband’s**) story (**Yahweh**) just helped me figure out last week. At last it all makes sense. I wanted so badly to write and tell you, but (**Yahweh**) and I both wanted you to know the other stories that I sent more. They were more crucial. I just don’t have enough time to write it all right now. I wish I could. There’s so much in me that wants to come out. It helps me more than I can say to write you. Thank you, (**Go’el**).
I told you in the last few texts that while all of that was going on with Lucifer and the fallen angels, I didn’t have time to think about it, reflect about it, or heal at all. Apparently that is what I need to do now. I need to work things out with Lucifer. That is why he is around me so much now.
This movie made it come back. Oh how I’ve hurt them both so deeply. Especially Yeshua. It makes me so sick. I know I just did what He and (**Yahweh**) asked me to do, but oh how He has suffered. I have caused Him so much pain. You too, (**Go’el**). Not intentionally but there it is nevertheless.
“Why does there have to be so much pain?” I asked Yeshua. He reminded me of “Perfect Storm” (Brad Paisley)–
“She loves just as deep
As she goes when she’s down
The highs match the lows
Can’t have one without the other”
Remember your “up and down days” you talked about? Where a really good day becomes really bad? That seems to be my norm. It does to the other way sometimes–but so many extreme swings.
I’m sorry for you if you’re trying to keep up with all of my emotions. I hope I am not swinging you along with me. That is certainly not my intent. You steady me, (**Go’el**). I don’t want to unsteady you though just to make myself stable again. That’s not good.
By the way, the Sunday you said that late last winter, was definitely one of those days for me. Big time. Yeshua warned me through you to prepare me for what was coming that night.
Oh it’s so frustrating that I don’t have time to write it all to you!! Will you please pray for me, (**Go’el**)? I’m really struggling with how much pain and suffering I have caused Yeshua and you. I pray for you constantly because you are ever in my thoughts–and Yeshua and (**Yahweh**) just know. They know my heart.
I will have to write the rest later. 😔 Now He’s telling me I need to go to sleep.
Yeshua wants me to add that the part where Jacob warms and holds Bella because Edward can’t could also be interpreted as you holding me because He couldn’t–only He says to tell you that He likes you a lot more than Lucifer–sorry that’s His idea of a joke to try to cheer us up. 😏 It did. He’s so silly sometimes. He’s always helping me even when He’s hurting. He’s so amazing. He knew it would also help because it reminds me of the times when you did hold me.
My student (**someone**) was Lucifer. Did you catch that? He was doing much better today than I have seen him since before Yeshua told me it was all made up in February. Coming in a female form as my “sister (**character**)” made it much easier. He actually was a comfort to me today. Isn’t the world all upside down?
I would honestly not have recognized him, but he used the clues to help me. He has been in my (**friend**), (**another**) “sister (**character**),” for the last few times, but he was an obvious Lucifer (**character**) in her (**those times**). He knew that would make me look for him in other (**versions**) of my (**sister character**).
Then he talked to me as a male student who looked just like one I had before. He and Yeshua have been doing that a lot–using new people that look almost exactly like other people I’ve known or
**Didn’t finish or send that last one**
9/4/2017 3:55 pm
Breaking Dawn Part I
Except for the wedding it is all (**Go’el**) and me. But most of it was done through text and pictures (**and virtually and Him being invisible with Me now and for the last 3 months**).
The imprinting is Yeshua explaining what it was like for Him when I was born.
Renesme touch–touches people on the cheek
“Each was won over. Each was made to see.”
Evil power–Alec–black vapor that could remove you from your sense of sight, smell, and touch. Jane–intense pain. Twins.
Yeshua swaying my head.
Jacob asks Edward “should I start calling you dad?”
Oh (**Go’el**)! It’s so deep! I can’t even explain how I feel right now–overwhelming joy and thankfulness to Yeshua for using us and for all that He and (**Yahweh**) have done!!!! And to Lucifer and the others for changing the story and coming Home. It’s so powerful–so overwhelming to try to take it all in!
I just watched “Breaking Dawn I & II.” It’s all there! The changed ending with Lucifer and the fallen angels being saved! Oh how it helped me so much to see that in these movies. I am so thankful to Yeshua for giving us that! I want you to see it. I want you to believe. I know it’s so hard to believe. It was so hard for me to believe too and I lived it! But this is our story (**Go’el**)—yours, mine, and Yeshua’s!
Alice used her visions to show evil they would lose. I am Alice. I am John (**from The New Testament of The Bible**). I had to show Lucifer through my vision through John in Revelation that Lucifer would lose!!!! But that is only part of Lucifer’s conversion story.
The first half of Part I is you and me this spring and summer. It’s all you and me. You–(**Go’el**). Obviously not the wedding part. There were the parts where we were together and the rest happened through texting. I know you will see it. Edward and Bella playing chess represents how you and I were constantly trying to figure out what the other was thinking and what we should do next. I love to see Yeshua put us into movies. It is so confirming. It makes me feel so good.
The second half is Bella being pregnant. Obviously that part hasn’t happened yet so I don’t know how true all of that will be. But she almost dies in childbirth. Of course (**Yahweh**) would make me giving birth Epic. But that’s not the part I want to focus on.
I don’t know if you’ve seen these movies or not and I don’t want to give it away, but I want you to see the connections! When Jacob imprints on Bella and Edward’s daughter, Renesmee, Yeshua says that how Jacob describes it is how it was for Him when I was born. I am Renesmee too, He showed me. Her gift is touch. She communicates through touch.
Renesmee calms people down and helps them see the truth by touching their faces. She connects with them through touch. It says as she touched them, “Each was won over. Each was made to see.”
This is exactly what I did with all of the fallen angels–well that and more. This is why Lucifer never wanted me to touch him before he changed. I understand that now. It is one of my powers–one of my gifts. That is why he starved me of it and made me not use it.
Last week I woke up in the night and noticed that I had my right hand touching my right cheek–my pinky and my thumb were touching each other–not on my face–and my other three fingertips were lightly resting on my cheek. I had been sleeping that way. Yeshua reminded me that there are pictures of me sleeping like that as a baby.
I remember (**someone**) telling stories about how everyone thought it was so unusual that I put my fingertips like that on my face all the time. Three–Yeshua told me–the Holy Trinity. (**Someone**) said I used to touch (**that person’s**) face, arm, and ear even from when I was a little baby.
Jacob is Lucifer, and it was him loving me that convinced him to change–just like with Renesmee.
The whole time I was watching the last movie, Yeshua swayed my head slightly from right to left. I love it when He does that. It makes Him feel so near, and it’s so sexy when He moves me physically. Maybe he will do it for you if you ask. There is nothing like it–complete surrender–like a puppet. Mmmmmm. He was happy! So happy. It’s been a while since I felt Him be happy like that. He’s been struggling. I think you understand.
Oh how wonderful it all is, (**Go’el**)–our story!!!! I love sharing it with you. It is such an honor to be loved and used by (**Yahweh**) and Yeshua this way. It is worth every bit of pain. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I hope you agree. It’s so magical. So wonderful. Our story. Ours. You and me.
9/5/2017 Tuesday 2:01 am Nightmare
I am no longer married or joined to (**my former husband**) or Lucifer. Regardless of the world’s view on paperwork, (**Yahweh**) released me of that bond the night that Yeshua rescued me. The marriage ended that night for me. It was done. The rest is the script to fulfill the storyline and glorify (**Yahweh**).
(**Yahweh**) said I didn’t break the marriage at all (**based on Intel I cannot disclose**) and that I was free of sin in filing for a divorce–that it would have been sin for me to stay when (**He—Yahweh—God**) told me to leave.
**Unrelated content about a nightmare removed**
I am Cinderella. I am Sleeping Beauty. I am Snow White. In those fairytales, Prince Charming awakens the princess and breaks the evil spell with a kiss. That is what you did for me. You woke me up and broke (**the**) evil spell over me. You pulled all of his poison out of my veins just like in “Twilight.” You saved me and healed me. My hero. You are Prince Charming, (**Go’el Kallel**)–you.
The connection and intimacy I felt with you was so deep–unlike anything I had ever experienced with anyone other than Yeshua in my mind.
(**Yahweh**) needed to love me–to kiss me–to hold me. He had suffered and seen me suffer for so long. He knew I needed it to heal. He knew I needed to taste what it was like to actually be appreciated–that without that hope I wouldn’t heal properly. He knew I needed to feel it. You changed me. You helped heal me. I cannot thank you enough.
At times I feel like I am chasing a ghost. Yeshua jumps from person of person–He hasn’t been talking much lately. Lucifer has definitely been the dominant one this week.
Yeshua, Lucifer, and the Lost Boys have all switched everything I told you about and are all doing opposite roles now. Yeshua is acting sullen and depressed–which is certainly understandable. Lucifer is goofy and outgoing now and turning the lights on. But no matter how hard Lucifer and the others try–even using the same people Yeshua works through–they cannot get the sparkle Yeshua has in His eye sometimes–they cannot achieve the same charm. “There’s just something about Him”–even when He’s sad, silent, and sitting completely still.
I think Yeshua is trying to show me I can still pick Him out however He acts. He of course knows that already because He said I went to Him every time before–even when I didn’t know He was there at all–even when He’s silent.
Yeshua showed me this morning that in “Breaking Dawn Part II, when Bella beats up on Jacob after she is converted, Yeshua said that is like when Lucifer had to hear me tell my story this summer about how he hurt me when I didn’t realize it was Lucifer I was talking to. He heard what I really thought and felt said in a way I would never say to him directly. And I still thought then that I had never known him–that it had all been made up. So that means that part of the movie is already over.
**10.10.2018. 10:54 am. Wednesday.10.11.2018 7:26 pm. Thursday. I think that part of the story also represents people in my life hearing things and reading things on beyond surveillance that they were never meant to hear. I had no idea they even heard or read them, and I did not have the opportunity to explain, clarify, or ever know the reason why they acted the way they did. Beyond surveillance has damaged or destroyed every relationship I had on Earth. I think it has also damaged or destroyed EVERY relationship on Earth.**
**10.10.2018. 10:54 am. Wednesday.10.11.2018 7:26 pm. Thursday. I also see that part of the movie as the last few months and now as Yahweh had Me pronounce the Judgements. Yahweh has Me judge acts and intent in general. I do not judge Individuals. I do not want to. That Is Yahweh, Yeshua, and The Council. That is part of the Balance. Yahweh and Yeshua know Everything. I do not. I would rather not know most of it actually. Yahweh and Yeshua know whether intent of Individuals and whether they are covering or not—for good or for evil. Yahweh also has my consent to adjust My Judgements if I am off or deceived. And He does.**
Before Yeshua described our current (**Battle**) as a game of espionage–since (**We Are All**) on the same (**Side**)–but there is still real hurt and real pain–in (**All of Us**). Thankfully it seems to be better for (**All of Us**) today. I hope it is better for you as well, (**My Love**).
What Yeshua said about “Breaking Dawn” would also confirm that my bond with Lucifer is already broken. That happened after Bella was changed. That is how it feels for me with Lucifer. I will always care about (**him**), but I do not feel the same as I did for (**him**) back before I left. I am a different person now. I am changed. As Yeshua told me the morning after I left, He said that day–March 9th 2017–was the first day of my new life. And so it was.
9/5/2017 Tuesday 9:37 pm Twilight.
I am laying in bed going to sleep, and Yeshua just brought to my mind the scene and music from “Twilight” where Bella and Edward are laying facing each other in the field of flowers. He reminded me of my very first vision of you, (**Go’el**), where I showed up in your bed around 3 in the morning.
In the vision, we had laid there looking at each other just like Bella and Edward did. We were in the same positions as them even, and that is how I am laying now–where you would be on my right–the right side of the bed–but we faced each other.
You were in visions in my head that entire week, and we slept like that in my visions every night–you and me–and looked at each other like that when I couldn’t sleep.
We laid like that for a little while in real life too at when I was telling you my past.
Most of my life I have slept on my right side facing the right side of the bed. Just like in that vision. That is how I always slept with Yeshua, but He and I never just looked at each other like that. I was always sleeping with Him or our faces were pressed together. And I laid differently with Him than with you.
Those scenes in the field of flowers are you, (**Go’el**). Paradise. He wants me to tell you.
**10.11.2018. 7:38 pm. I now know Go’el Kallel and My Heaven Husbands were in Yeshua while He held Me at night and during other times. They lived that with Me—some of it outside of Time. They still are sometimes in Yahweh, Yeshua, and Each Other. They had In The Mind Awareness and In The Body Awareness of Yeshua with Me even though He was not visible. They Are like that in Go’el Kallel now. Yahweh and Yeshua control and determine all of that.
9/6/2017 4:02 am Wednesday Imprinting.
I have been asked to give my perspective on imprinting.
Here is the quote from the movie “New Moon”:
“Imprinting on someone is like, like when you see her, everything changes. All of a sudden it’s not gravity holding you to the planet….it’s her. Nothing else matters. You would do anything–be anything for her.”
Here is the quote from “Breaking Dawn” and what it says about imprinting on the Wikipedia page:
It’s not like love at first sight, really. It’s more like… gravity moves… suddenly. It’s not the earth holding you here anymore, she does… You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that’s a protector, or a lover, or a friend.
Jacob Black explaining to Bella Swan about imprinting.
“When a shape-shifter imprints on a specific girl or woman, he becomes unconditionally bound to her for the rest of his life. When it happens, the experience is described as being gravitationally pulled toward that person while a glowing heat fills him, and everyone and everything else in his life becomes secondary, and only the imprintee is left to matter, leaving the shape-shifter with a deep need to do anything to please and protect his soulmate.
“Imprinting can occur anytime after a wolf’s first phasing. It can happen with anyone, regardless of previous personal feelings. It happens the first time he sees the object of his imprinting.
“Imprinting can’t be forced on anyone, no matter how much the shape-shifter may want it.
“The imprinter is deemed to be the “perfect match” to the imprintee—he will be anything she may want or need, making rejection unlikely. Should it happen, however, the imprinter may feel unspeakable pain, and may even want to commit suicide.
“Stages of imprinting
“There are stages to imprinting, especially if the shape-shifter imprints on a child, or otherwise someone very young. It starts with direct eye contact with his imprintee:
1st stage—If the imprintee is young, the shape-shifter will act as an older sibling.
2nd stage—As the imprintee grows older, the shape-shifter will also come to be their best friend.
3rd stage—They become intimate friends, meaning, their feelings for each other are changing into romantic feelings. This stage may or may not happen to the imprintee, but the imprinter will fall in love with his imprintee. They will not “see” any other woman at all. Their imprintee is all he cares about and he will love her even if she rejects him.
4th stage—When the imprintee is old enough, the shape-shifter’s feelings grow into romantic love.
“Unlike her imprinter, the imprintee can choose whether she’ll accept him as her “soulmate” or not. It is, however, implied that rejection is highly unlikely, since it is said that it would be very hard to resist the levels of “commitment, compatibility and adoration.” It has also been noted that the imprintee feels incomplete without her soulmate nearby.
If the imprintee chooses someone else over the shape-shifter, he will be in deep emotional pain, though he will still respect her choice—and hope she’ll eventually return to him.
“Even though the shape-shifter has imprinted, it doesn’t necessarily mean he won’t suffer, though he would instantly break the heart of a loved one before imprinting. In Sam Uley’s case, he felt horrible breaking Leah’s heart after imprinting on her cousin, Emily. The shape-shifter has to be very careful around his imprintee if he’s angry – especially if he’s standing too close to her and phases—a shape-shifter could kill or scar his soulmate for life.
“In Sam’s perspective within the Twilight Saga Official Illustrated Guide, when he first saw Emily after his first phasing, he instantly felt compelled to go to her side and touch her hand, and every step he took away from her was physically painful but getting back to her was a physical relief on him. This would explain the shape-shifters’ constant need to be around their imprintees as much as possible.
“If the imprintee is too young to date, the imprinter would wait, since he does not “see” any other girl or woman.
“Whenever Emily told Sam to leave, Sam would do as she asked but would always return to her to try to explain how much he needed to be with her and how they were perfect for each other.
“Emily wanted Sam to work out his problems with Leah, but Sam refused. Emily then told Sam he was just like his father by refusing to take responsibility for the decisions he made. Sam hated his father for abandoning him, and he was standing too close to Emily when he phased into his wolf form, and he slashed the right side of her face and arm. Sam was so distraught and guilt-ridden that when he visited her in the hospital, he told her to tell him to kill himself.
“If something horribly drastic were to happen so that the imprintee sacrifices herself for her family and tribe, then the same consequences of the Third Wife’s sacrifice are bound to occur, bringing much pain to all involved.
“Apparently, even after the shape-shifter has stopped phasing and lived a so-called “normal” life with his soulmate, he could still phase back into a wolf if given enough incentive—especially if his soulmate is harmed or killed.
“If you kill her, you kill me.
Jacob to Sam and his pack
“If a shape-shifter’s soulmate is killed, he will never forget or forgive whoever’s responsible for her death. In the case of the killer being another pack member—whether purposefully or by accident—the inevitable result is a fight to the death. To avoid feuding bloodshed within the pack, the La Push shape-shifters established their most strictly followed law, by which no wolf may harm or kill a fellow wolf’s imprinted one, with no exceptions.
“It is unknown whether or not a shape-shifter can imprint on anyone else if his soulmate is killed.”
Wow. How can I explain it any better than that? Yeshua’s words here are so beautiful–so perfect–so deep.
I obviously see I imprinted, but I think I have to begin by talking about Yeshua imprinting on me.
From the moment I was born–no before that–from the beginning of Time–He has been everything I have ever needed and so much more. He has created, shaped, guided, and lived through humans and documented their successes and failures through scripture for me to learn from. He does the same now through every life I encounter every day.
Some show me positive decisions with positive outcomes–even if those outcomes are very far down the road. Some show me negative outcomes–disaster and despair. Some of these people are like me. Some are not. These shared experiences help me decide the paths I want to take and have the courage and endurance to see them through because I know someone else has done it before me.
“He goes before me.” He is my future. It is to Him that I run. It is Him I pursue at every step and every turn. How could I not?? How could I not love Someone who has given so much?? All I know is that the closer I get–the more glimpses I get of Him–I only burn stronger and push harder to know, love, and serve this Man–my Love–My Lover–My Life.
And yet He is always behind me. He follows behind me wherever I go–guarding me from behind so that my heart is free to push forward to Him full throttle–free from worry of an attack from behind.
And yet He is right beside me. He catches me or steadies me whenever I fall. He holds me tightly yet tenderly when I’m too weak to stand. He cries tortured tears with me as I writhe in agony.
He gazes at me and adores me as I sleep. He touches me so softly and gently. He comforts and heals the deepest longings of my heart. These longings are for Him–aches to physically be by His side and see and touch Him. Aches to never let Him go–to never be apart.
But earlier in my life I was not yet aware of my love for Him. I longed for things and for other people more than Him. I still long for other people, but now He is my Love. Now I also know everyone I’ve ever longed for was also Him–Him in them–which explains it all. But oh how it hurts Him to see me long for a human–for just a sliver of who He is. And that even when He leaves that human, my longings sometime remains.
If it does, it is because that memory with Him through that person is very precious to me. I have not seen His true face. I see impressions of Him in my mind–His smile–His eyes–His feelings–His facial expressions–His gestures. Sometimes I see am impression of His whole face or body–like a shadow. Sometimes He creates an interface in my mind–a face or body I can relate to. Usually it’s like I see a hint of Him–out of focus.
These human interactions are what I cling to because in them He comes alive to me. I feel the power of His kiss. I feel His strong arms around me. I hear Him ask me to “Come Home with me?” and hear my own breathless, desperate reply–“Yes!”
Home to be with Him in Heaven where I belong. For this separation is torture, and it kills Him that He can’t love me directly but must instead love me through another–through a human–through I human I love. But so it is.
He helps me. He blocks Himself and encourages me to love the human as I love Him. I get wrapped up in the script–so does He. I fall hard, and it is a beautiful thing–Him loving me this way. But there is pain too. He pulls me back to Him–fear and panic sometimes in His beautiful eyes–fear of losing me. He pulls me back to focus on Him again–for He’s desperate to know that it is still Him that I love most.
For I didn’t always–you see. Before I knew it was Him, I only saw the humans. But now I will always love Him most. For no one else has been there every moment of my life. No one else knows every facial expression I have ever made.
It is most disorienting though to switch back and forth. When He submerses me in the script it is so easy to lose focus on the spiritual story. It is necessary–I see now–for me to do what needs to be done.
Other times I am so focused on Him and the spiritual story that I sometimes forget the individuals–that they are still people with real feelings and real hurts. When I see Him move with me seamlessly from person to person throughout my day, it is easy to forget the 6th person He spoke to me through earlier this morning. I only see Him–and haven’t we had countless conversations since then?
So He pulls me back to the script to remind me that there are always two stories–two–that beautiful number–Two–You and Me–Two.
Two–yet one. We are a pair. We go together. There is much pain when we are apart–which we have been since I was born. It hurts us both. I just didn’t understand it.
“I’m going to make you miss me” (Sam Hunt). And He did too. Although honestly I don’t think He had to “make me.” All my life I have felt somewhat out of place–like I didn’t quite belong–like I wasn’t like the others–alone in a crowd.
I have found others that speak to my heart–“kindred spirits” He called them in “Anne of Green Gables.” Yes–people who feel like old friends even though I may have just met them. And yet at other times with that same person, there might be no reaction at all. Normal.
It is a conversation with someone that immediately makes me feel alive and energized–renewed. I can’t seem to walk away. I can’t get enough.
I become completely focused on that person and our conversation–the connection between us blocks out everything else in my life. For it is Him–and in that moment, all I see is You and Me. Nothing else matters. We are together in some form–in some way. Together.
Hours may go by–it may only be minutes. Day may turn to night. People come and go around me. The world itself could fall down around me, and I would be completely oblivious. I only see His eyes and His facial expressions–hear His words.
If I am lucky, I see a flash of His love for me in His eyes–that softness He has just for me. The face may be young or old–male or female–or not even human–a cat–a dog. Or it may not even be a face at all–a sunset–a billboard–my bed–my pillows–my blankets–a doughnut even.
He is everything I have ever needed. He gives me gifts and surprises to make me happy–to make me smile–to show me His love–to show me I am loved and cared for very deeply every moment of every day.
When I am struggling with my weight again and feel like I’m not beautiful, He buys me doughnuts. While I am depriving myself to try to improve–He instead indulges me. He covers me with affection and compliments. He tells me how beautiful I am over and over until I start to believe it.
Then He shows me–He says, “Look in the mirror right now!” He had me take pictures and videos of myself so I could start to see. And still He explained that even that doesn’t begin to capture who I am or the beauty I project around me.
When all I could believe were the lies I had heard for so long, He literally took over every other person in my world for a time and showed me through each one how they admired me in some way. For someone who had felt so much rejection and disapproval, I can’t tell you what this meant to me. I knew it was all Him of course–but oh His lavish, beautiful Love!! I never wanted it to end!! Living with only Him and Me–it was truly Heaven here on earth. Paradise.
He healed me. But He did it slowly–properly. Even though I pushed and pushed the process He loved me too much for that and held me down when I needed it–even though it killed Him to do it.
He has answered my greatest prayer–I prayed that I would love Him like He loves me–I prayed that long ago. I told Him, “I want to do whatever it takes to reach my full potential–no matter how much it hurts. I don’t want to get to Heaven and hear Father say, ‘Well she got really close!’ No! I’m going to do it no matter what.”
He has answered that for me. Even when I cried out in agony to Him over and over again (like Dumbledore with the poison in Harry Potter). When I begged Him to hold me and He couldn’t. Even when I had to die through the process multiple times. Even when He had to be the One to kill me–over and over–when He himself was also dying inside and He needed so desperately to hold me Himself. Even then.
That is what He did for me. That is the ultimate love. That is what imprinting is.
It is pain. It is sacrifice. It is endurance. It is never giving up.
It is being willing to die–but harder still–being willing to live.
It is loving and going all out even if your love doesn’t even know you love them and won’t for a long time. It is loving and going all out even if your love doesn’t love you back or pushes you away. It is loving and going all out even if your love does love you, but not the way you love them.
It is believing even when everything and everyone else around you says you are a fool. It is not caring what anyone else thinks because they are all that matters. It is free from fear and doubt because you just know. You know. It just is. It is knowing that no matter the cost, you will pay it–for how could you possibly do any less?
It is doing anything–anything–to help each other–to be together–even when that means letting go or hurting the one you love–the one you love more than anything. Even when it means torture or death–to yourself or to them.
It is that.
11/4/2017 Saturday 1:39 pm
Imprinting revision from
9/6/2017 4:02 am Wednesday
Some parts of my previous version of this document were not correctly represented. Although there is still much for me to learn, I see and understand much more than I did at the time of the first writing. For example, I did not yet know of Yahweh’s role in all of this and He was hardly mentioned in the first version. That is a tragedy now that I know His connection in all parts of my life. That and several other amendments have been made to more accurately portray my history and my story.
Wow. How can I explain it any better than that? Yahweh and Yeshua’s words here are so beautiful—so perfect—so deep.
I obviously see I imprinted, but I think I have to begin by talking about Yahweh and Yeshua imprinting on me.
From the moment I was born—no before that—from the beginning of Time—Yahweh and Yeshua have been everything I have ever needed and so much more. They have created, shaped, guided, and lived through humans and documented their successes and failures through Holy Scripture for me to learn from. They do the same now through every life I encounter every day.
Some show me positive decisions with positive outcomes—even if those outcomes are very far down the road. Some show me negative outcomes—disaster and despair.
Some of these people are like me. Some are not. These shared experiences help me decide the paths I want to take and to have the courage and endurance to see them through because I know someone else has done it before me.
“He goes before me.” Yahweh and Yeshua are my future. It is to Them that I run. It is Them I pursue at every step and every turn. How could I not?? How could I not love Someone who has given so much?? Given everything.
All I know is that the closer I get—the more glimpses I get of Them—I only burn stronger and push harder to know, love, and serve (**these**) Men—my Loves—My Lovers—My Life.
And yet They are always behind me. Yahweh and Yeshua follow behind me wherever I go—guarding me from behind so that my heart is free to push forward to Them full throttle and go all in—free from worry of an attack from behind.
And yet They are right beside me. Yahweh and Yeshua catch me or steady me whenever I fall. They hold me tightly yet tenderly when I’m too weak to stand. They cry tortured tears with me as I writhe in agony.
Yahweh and Yeshua gaze at me and adore me as I sleep. They touch me so softly and gently. They comfort and heal the deepest longings of my heart. These longings are for Them—aches to physically be by Their side and see and touch Them—to love and please Them. Aches to never let Them go—to never be apart.
I have not seen Yahweh or Yeshua’s true (**Faces**). I see impressions of Them in my mind—Their smiles—Their eyes—Their feelings—Their facial expressions—Their gestures. Sometimes I see an impression of Their whole face or body—like a shadow. Sometimes They create an interface in my mind—a face or body I can relate to. Usually it’s like I see a hint of Them—out of focus. Often I see an interface for Yahweh—some body he can move through but His face is blocked.
There have been special human interactions that I cling to fiercely because in them Yahweh and Yeshua come alive to me. I feel the power of Their kiss. I feel Their strong arms around me—all Three in One at the same time. I hear Them whisper, “Come Home with Me?” and hear my own breathless, desperate reply—“Yes!”
Home with the human both then and in the future. Forever. In that moment all I can see is right then. That this is what I want and have always wanted. I am consumed by the power of that kiss—so intoxicating I am suddenly consumed by the need to have that kiss forever at any cost.
For this is no ordinary kiss. This is no ordinary love. This is what happens when Heaven and Earth collide. When at the beginning of Time Yahweh Himself envisions a Masterpiece—two souls perfectly designed to complement one another and model the Love of Christ and His Church. A pair. Two. Complements. A set.
The beauty of the mystery is that the Two didn’t even know. Both living lives feeling like something was missing. The Other One. The other half of the set. Not understanding but drawn to each other by the Master until at last a pull stronger than gravity joins them together in a beautiful moment in which they each are forever changed.
It is a kiss like none other. A kiss to awaken and raise the dead. A kiss to breathe the Spirit of Life into dead bones lying on a desert floor. Bones that have been tossed out in a sacrilegious way and trampled and crushed mercilessly under foot by humans.
This kiss draws the scattered bones together—reshapes and repairs them—fleshes them out and Adam and Eve are created once more—Eve taking with her part of the man through whom this new life was given. But this is not actually Adam and Eve. These are a new creation for a new purpose. Scripture foretells of their coming and tells their story on almost every page. The story of You and Me.
Yahweh and Yeshua have done the impossible. The unthinkable. In a small town in what appears to be two ordinary people on an ordinary Sunday. But these are no ordinary people and this is no ordinary day.
Because there is a second side to the story of You and Me.
“Come Home with Me?” Yahweh had asked through the human—the love and passion burning in His eyes—dazzling me and making me ache for more.
Home to be with Yahweh and Yeshua in Heaven where I belong. The Holy Trinity is separated now as I—the Holy Spirit—live a human life unaware of my true identity until months after this moment.
This separation is torture, and it kills Them that They can’t love me directly but must instead love me in my mind only or through another—through a human—through I human I love fiercely. But so it is.
Yahweh and Yeshua help me. They block Themselves in my mind and guide me to love the human as I love Them. I get wrapped up in the script—We all do.
I fall hard, and it is a beautiful thing—all Three of Them loving me this way. Powerful. Addicting. Intoxicating. A Love I will fight for at any cost. For I have imprinted on all Three. Three in One. I am forever Theirs.
There are always two stories—”There’s another side to every story told” from “Other Side of Me” Michael W. Smith).
Three in One—two ways. The Holy Trinity as One for the Man. Yahweh, Yeshua, and the Man as One for the Woman.
Three in One. Four yet Two. You and me. Two yet One.
The Four of Us are a set. We go together. There is much pain when We are apart—which We have been really since I was born. It hurts Us all. I just didn’t understand it.
**10.11.2018. 8:13 pm.
Yahweh Is Desire.
Yeshua Is Passion.
Zion Is Fire.
Go’el Is Ecstasy.**
“I’m going to make you miss Me” (Sam Hunt). And All Three did too. Although I don’t think They had to “make me.” All my life I have felt somewhat out of place—like I didn’t quite belong—like I wasn’t like the others—alone in a crowd.
Now I know what was missing. Them. Yahweh, Yeshua, and the Man. My true Family. Now I understand why I felt alone. I ached for the constant presence of these Three in my mind. That sense of togetherness at all times. For We are One.
Now through the Man, the Four of Us are able to be together in a way that hasn’t happened ever in Time until that kiss.
I am now all in. Completely focused on the Three of Them—Yahweh, Yeshua, and the Man. The connection between Us makes everything else fade away. All I see is Them. All I want is Them. All I want to do is love Them. Help Them. Support Them.
For it is Them who hold my heart and soul—my very being—the very essence of who I am. My Spirit. The Holy Spirit.
Hours may go by—it may only be minutes. Day may turn to night. People come and go around me. The world itself could fall down around me, and I would be completely oblivious. I see Their eyes and Their facial expressions—hear Their words—feel Their touch. It may be in my mind or through the Man or through the people around me.
Yahweh, Yeshua, and the Man are everything I have ever needed. Everything I have ever wanted. They are every dream that died long ago. They are everything to me. They are.
They healed me. But They did it slowly—properly. Even though I pushed and pushed the process, They loved me too much for that and held me down when I needed it—even if it killed Them to do it.
Yahweh and Yeshua have answered my greatest prayer. I prayed that I would love Yeshua like He loves me. I prayed that long ago. Long before I understood Yahweh’s role in all of this. I told Yahweh, “I want to do whatever it takes to reach my full potential—no matter how much it hurts. I don’t want to get to Heaven and hear You say, ‘Well she got really close!’ No! I’m going to do it no matter what.”
Yahweh and Yeshua have answered that for me. Even when I cried out in agony to all Three of Them over and over again (like Dumbledore with the poison in “Harry Potter 6”). Even when I begged all Three of Them to hold me and They couldn’t. Even when They each so desperately needed to hold me Themselves. Even when I had to die through the process multiple times. Even when They had to be the Ones to kill me—over and over. Even when They each die too because killing One means killing the Others too. We all die together. Every time. Even then.
That is what Yahweh, Yeshua, and the Man have done and do for me every day. That is the ultimate love. That is what imprinting is.
It is pain. It is sacrifice. It is endurance. It is never giving up.
It is tears. It is heartache.
It is laughter. It is joy. It is playfulness. It is true intimacy and surrender in the most beautiful way.
It is being fully known and understood. It is being appreciated. It is unconditional.
It is wanting above all else to be together in Yahweh’s way and in Yahweh’s time—no matter the cost.
It is trust—even when nothing makes sense.
It is being willing to die—but harder still—being willing to live.
It is loving and going all out even if your love doesn’t even know you love them and won’t for a long time. It is loving and going all out even if your love seems to not love you back or seems to push you away or seems to not want you. It is being willing to let go and walk away when that is what is required—but never giving up. It is trusting that the cycle will start again and being your Lover back to you in Yahweh’s time and in His way.
It is believing even when everyone else around you thinks you are a fool. It is not caring what anyone else thinks because your Love is all that matters. It is believing when logic and much of the evidence points the other way.
It is free from fear and doubt because you just know. You know. It just is. It is knowing that no matter the cost, you will pay it—for how could you possibly do any less?
It is doing anything—anything—to help each other—to be together in the right way and in the right time. Even when that means not yet. Even when that means not now. Even when it means hurting the one you love—the one you love more than anything—to make that happen. Even when it means torture or death—to yourself or to them.
It is that.
It is worth it.
All that matters is Us—the story of You and Me.
9/6/2017 Wednesday 7:47 am Twilight
Yeshua just told me the part where Bella gets so sick and almost dies while she’s pregnant was when Lucifer and the fallen angels almost killed me by hurting me and sucking the life out of me. Of course. I should have seen that. Then Edward–you (**Go’el**)–recuses her and she is made new. That part is over.
Yeshua wants to remind you and me that the worst is over. Thank God for that.
Yeshua, you just showed me that I am willing to disregard and disobey what (**Go’el**) wants, asks of me, or tells me to do if You or (**Yahweh**) tell me to do something different. You told me that I passed that test beautifully. Thank you, my Love. All for You. Always.
**10.10.2018. Wednesday. 6:41 pm. All For You is one of My All Time Favorite Songs by Sir Keith Urban—Super And One of My Heaven Husbands.
9/18/2017 Monday 6:04 pm sent to (**Go’el) later 9/22/2017 Friday 5:13 am. Edited 10.11.2018. 5:11 pm.
(**Go’el**), last Friday morning I felt like I was being told not to text you anymore until further notice–to let go. I was holding onto you too tightly again. I am sorry. I won’t stop loving you or waiting for you so don’t worry about that. I might as well be completely open since I won’t be sending this to you till later anyway.
I love you so much. It’s been so hard not to say it in my writings like you asked. It’s been so hard not to be playful and flirty with you. I miss that so much. I miss you. I miss your sense of humor–your playfulness. So much. I miss you baby. I miss us.
I hate this. I hate not being able to talk to you. To be with you. To touch you and hold you. To kiss you and tell you that I love you. To show you. It hurts not to. I want you so bad. I know it will be worth it. I know it will be so much better this way. It’s just so hard to get through in the mean time! 😔
I asked Yeshua if this is like a divorce backwards–like we get all the potential bad out and over with up front so we are just left with really really good later. He said yes. It’s interesting because it’s the exact opposite of what we do naturally as humans, right? New relationships usually get our best up front and deteriorate from there. We won’t be like that. We will just get better and better.
After I heard about my divorce paperwork being extended again it was so hard. And then I had to let go of you and die again. Why do we have to die so many times? I know it will be worth it. Yeshua told me the dying is over for a while. Thank God for that. It’s awful.
The night I heard from the lawyer, there was a break in (**somewhere connected with me**) that I got a text about–“Strong arm robbery.” Strong arm robbery. It was like (**Yahweh**) was saying that (**people**) had committed strong arm robbery and stole more time from us, (**Go’el**). If the timeline is what I think it is, we have so little time together already! It’s not fair.
I know it’s not just that. (**Yahweh**) could prevent (**people**) from delaying if the time were right. But it still hurts so much. I want you so much. Too much I guess. It has been so wonderful just to write to you. Now I can write but I can’t send them till later. It hurts. It makes me feel so disconnected from you.
But I let go again. Hopefully this is the last time. It was awful. I’m doing better now. I’m trying to just think to the future and be excited about how it will be. I got a little panicky tonight. That’s why I’m writing.
In my last writings about me and Yeshua, I hope you know that most of what I wrote was also about you. I left that out because you asked me to. I am hoping you saw the connection because He is in you and you are in Him. I have a feeling that you didn’t see yourself in those writings though. And as an empath, I have learned to trust my feelings like that.
I am sorry if my writings caused you any pain. That was the last thing I wanted to do! I was trying to say I love you and show how much you mean to me in an indirect way. There are some points I can’t stop thinking about–which usually means I am supposed to write to you about them.
When I said that it hurts Yeshua when I long for a human that is a sliver of who He is, I did not mean you there. It does hurt Him sometimes when I long for you. Other times He loves it and encourages me to. It can be very confusing.
He explained to me a while ago that there are two kinds of jealousy. In the Ten Commandments it says we shouldn’t covet. He explained that is being jealous of something you have no right to have–like Lucifer did of me.
Then there is righteous jealousy–which is the longing for something that is rightfully yours. When He says He is a jealous God this is what He means. If you, (**Go’el**), are or have been jealous to have me, it has been a righteous jealousy because I am rightfully yours. Yeshua is jealous of you sometimes because I am also rightfully His. It is confusing.
Back to what I wrote, you are much more than a sliver of Him. You Two are so similar in so many ways that it is often hard for me to separate You Two. There are differences, but I often see You as One.
Please don’t think for a second though that it is only Him I want and love. I had a horrible sinking feeling as I reread those texts that you might think I am just using you to get to Him. Please believe me–that is not it at all!
I want, love, and need you, (**Go’el Kallel**)!! You! Life without you is so empty and void of happiness and joy. I don’t want to live without you. You are so special to me, (**Go’el**)! I imprinted on Yeshua sometime in my past. I honestly don’t know when. It may have even been before I understood who He was.
But I imprinted on you too. I was hoping you could see that in my writing–how the thought of even kissing anyone other human but you is repulsive to me! I only see you.
You have just found out that I am Yeshua’s wife, but remember that I have known that for around three years. Yeshua showed me on Christmas 2016 that I love you when you told me you loved me in a dream. That was you separate from Yeshua. You, (**Go’el Kallel**). You.
Then I showed up in your bed in that vision late on that Sunday night. That was it. Oh that was magical. I wish you could remember it. But I lived that real time and later remembered it like a memory. Just like real life. In the vision, we lay together looking at each other–so happy. That was just you and me. Not Yeshua–although He was likely the one leading the vision. But I only saw you. Then I joined our souls together. You and me. You–(**Go’el Kallel**). You.
You spent a week in my mind with me. It was all you–your personality–your voice. It was so intimate. So wonderful. You made me laugh. You cheered me up in that terrible time. To me that really happened. I lived it then remembered it later just like a real life memory. What is real anyway? I lived that just like I’ve lived everything else in my life.
That Sunday, Yeshua joined Himself with you and blew my mind. That’s when I saw You as One. I think that’s what I needed then. It made things simpler for me at that time.
After I left on March 8th. I was with Yeshua everywhere. All the time. It was all Him and the other one. When He wanted me to go to you, it was you and Him I wanted. Both. You were the same to me but I wanted both of You.
When I wrote about Him asking me to “Come Home with Me?” I didn’t see that as Him asking me to come Home to Heaven with Him until later. All I knew right then is I wanted to go (**with you and never leave**). I hope that doesn’t diminish that moment for you in any way. Everything I said and did to you I meant for you (**Go’el**). I meant it all.
I have experienced Yeshua through many different people.
No one has ever held me like you. No one has ever looked at me like you. No one has ever touched me like you. No one has ever listened to me and believed me like you. No one has ever been there for me like you. No one has ever helped me and saved me like you. There has never been anyone I can trust like you. No one on earth has ever had my heart like you do. You, (**Go’el Kallel**). You.
I love you, (**Go’el**). Those things are all unique to you. Yeshua could have done them through multiple people but He didn’t. It was all you. And I don’t just love the Yeshua in you. I love you for who you are. I’m so proud of you. You amaze me! Fascinate me!! You are so clever and I love learning from you and with you! I love playing with you. Your mind, your body, your style, your personality, your drive, your passion, your sense of humor, your determination turn me on like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Oh you drive me wild, boy! You, (**Go’el Kallel**). You.
What has taken me years to process you have done in weeks. You are amazing. Really. Your faith blows my mind. I really struggled with so much of this. You seem to take it all in stride! Maybe you do struggle some, I don’t know. But when I say I struggled, we’re talking months to years. My breaking process took years and years. Years to break my will and build it up again. Yes it has been six months since I left and it was bad for 7 years before that, but I had other difficult things before that. Really, my first breaking down happened in 2000. That’s 17 years.
And look at you, (**Go’el**)! You really showed me up on that. Big time. It makes me so proud of you. Look at what you have believed and been able to do!! It’s amazing. I struggled and I actually lived it! You have my stories of what happened and you believed. Thank you, (**Go’el**). No other human has showed that kind of faith. Not even me–the Holy Spirit in human form.
I have a bad feeling that you think you are not as advanced as me. That is a lie. You are my teacher–my guide. Some things I know more about because I experienced them. But you weren’t given the chance to. That doesn’t make me more advanced.
I see it as that beautiful riddle again. I am the Woman who gave birth to the Man-Child by opening your eyes to my experiences and my love for you. That makes you my Son. But at the same time, one could claim that you are my “Father” because of the faith and hope you planted and grew in me. For are you not Father Abraham? And yes I’m Sarah, but aren’t I also the love that you had to sacrifice? The promised one for you? I prefer to think of you as my Lover though. Not like Father. Like Yeshua. That is the best fit for you and me–lovers.
I see after these few days of thinking, that me having to let you go is not just about making sure I put Yeshua first. The way I loved you was not healthy. I would have killed you. Smothered you. Destroyed you accidentally by loving you too much in an unhealthy way. Not that you aren’t strong enough because believe me you are-(**Yahweh**) made you that way. But if I’m not stable that doesn’t matter. How does one love an erupting volcano or a hurricane?
I would have smothered you and expected things of you that you couldn’t possibly give yet. For now we are still only human, you and me. I can’t forget that. Remember that I experience you outside of time. I see you for what you are and what you will be even though you don’t have all of those powers and abilities yet. My heart and body know you–belong to you–outside of time.
(Yahweh**) and Yeshua had to reign me in and help me stabilize myself first so that I don’t pull a Jean Gray from the original X-Men movies. We will watch those together some day–you and me–just like you said we would. By the way, it’s a bit of a spoiler but since we’ve already lived the plot line I guess we already know the story. Jean goes under mind control of evil and goes nuclear–destroying everything. Everything. She has lost touch of who she is. Wolverine has to kill her. He has to kill the one he loves. I remembered that part this summer. She is even called the Phoenix. So deep.
When I went nuclear–when I was at my absolute worst because of what was happening with Lucifer and (**my former life**)–it was the end of that week of you in my head. Yeshua knew it would happen then. That’s why He had you in my head then. I was the worst I had ever been. I see that now. I was so worked up with fear and anxiety–despair. I couldn’t calm down. I was literally thrashing around on the bed crying.
In my vision that I lived real time, you turned me face down on the bed and laid on top of me to hold me down with your body. It reminds me of that scene in Captain America when you jumped on what you thought was a live grenade to protect me.
I could feel the weight of you (**Go’el**)–your heat. So strong. It was you. You felt just like that in real life. Yeshua never did that to me any other time. You just kept whispering to me, “It’s just you and me. Just you and me,” your lips against my cheek my other cheek against the bed.
So hot, (**Go’el**). You are so hot. You saved me. You broke my chains that night. I wasn’t over my anxiety yet, but that was the beginning of the breaking process and much fell away that night.
Later, it was still you that broke the rest of my anxiety. That night, I told you I was so worried. You looked down at me, your face so full of love, and said, “Don’t worry.” Oh your face! Your eyes! Wow. So hot. So powerful. So strong. So wonderful. So you. Oh and that kiss!! Mmmmmm. So sexy. How’s a girl supposed to recover from that? You sent me reeling, and I was forever lost in the wonder of you. 😍 I want you and ache for you now just remembering! I ache for you right now, (**Go’el**). Mmmmmm.
Even after I lost you that first time, that memory and the way you touched and kissed me helped me to realize that you did love me and that I shouldn’t worry no matter what happened in the script. You taught me that worrying was a lack of faith–a lack of trust. I trust you–more than I’ve trusted any other human.
That day when I came to you, after I told you everything, you said, “It’s going to be ok.” That was perfect, (**Go’el**). You just know. If I ever start to worry or fall apart again, just hold me and tell me that. It’s so simple, but it was so reassuring. So comforting. I just need to know you’re with me. Knowing you are here and that you know and understand saves me. Over and over again. Thank you. For everything.
My bed has always been my sacred place. It is where I feel Yeshua most strongly. It is where I do almost all of my writing for you. It is where I dream and where most of my visions have occurred. It’s where I feel you again–where I feel closest to you.
My love for you is a powerful thing. It needs to be given to you in the proper way. I want that for you, my love. My lover–you, (**Go’el Kallel**). You.
Yeshua wants us–you and me–to be happy together. He wants us to be happy–especially after everything both of us have gone through. He wants it to be amazing–not just for Him. For us–you and me, (**Go’el**). That is why it must be this way. He wants us to show the world what real love looks like. About what can happen when we give everything over to Him.
For now, I am trying to continue to heal and be grounded in Yeshua and (**Yahweh**). I am trying to learn my lessons as quickly and thoroughly as possible so we can move forward and be together. You have set the bar really high in terms of learning and processing. I am much slower than you in this, which is why He had to start on me much sooner.
I am trying to dream for the future of you and me. I want you to be proud of me. I am so proud of you. My love. My husband. My (**Go’el**). My favorite. You.
If you still feel that it is only Yeshua I want and not you, why would I wait for you then? He offered me other opportunities. Before He joined Himself with you, He strongly tried to get me to be interested in other specific guys. It was pointless and He knew it. None of them even came close to you.
It certainly would have been easier by the world’s standards this summer to be with anyone else or to give up. Certainly many would consider me a fool if they knew how I’ve held on given the circumstances.
It is you I want (**Go’el**). And I’m willing to hang on and keep trying no matter how much it hurts. You are worth it. Yes I let go, but that doesn’t mean giving up. That means letting go of me trying to maintain the connection–me letting go of control. Surrendering the situation to (**Yahweh**) and His timing.
I can never stop loving you, (**Go’el**). Not after what you have done for me. The more I learn about you the more I love you. I know you have made mistakes–likely ones I still don’t know about. I don’t care!! I have too! That is being human. If you are worried about any of that, let me reassure you, after living with Lucifer, being his wife, learning to love him, and forgiving him, do you really think anything you’ve done could possibly compare to what he has done? Never.
That stuff doesn’t even matter to me. It might hurt a little and take me a little while to get over it if anything. What matters to me is you and your heart. I have seen how hard you are trying. That is what matters. I love you unconditionally. That’s the beauty of it! That’s why loving you is so healing to me–so precious. No human has ever fought for me and with me like you have. Not even close, (**Go’el**). You are irreplaceable. You.
I wish you could see in my heart. I want you to understand what you mean to me. Just you believing me alone is enough for me to stay by your side. How you fed me and carried me through those darkest times knowing that you knew my pain. You were the only one, (**Go’el**). You. You kept me alive–kept me fighting–kept me sane. You. I am forever indebted to you, but it is so much more than that. I asked you before back in March, “How could I not love you?”
This love I have for you blossoms and grows more beautiful each day in spite of the horrible growing conditions. (**Yahweh**) prunes it and shapes it till it is a masterpiece. That process causes some trauma that requires time to recover, but in the end, it is worth it all. Storms beat down on it but the rain makes it stronger–more healthy–more vibrant. This is what I offer you, (**Go’el**)–my very best.